Trapped In Replacing The One?
Here we go again on this merry go round. Will it work out this time or will it end just the same?
My oh my, if that’s what you’re saying to yourself. Maybe not those exact words. Maybe something like: “let’s see what’s wrong with this one now?” Or “I wonder if this one will handle things differently?” Oh the variations I could give leading to the same thought process. I will let you think of them yourself. Maybe you even know your own line. Let’s make this a fun one.
While my intention is to have a little fun with you while raising your awareness, it is also important to take this a little seriously. Just a tad.
Who is the one that got away? Do you have a name that popped in your mind right away? Yup. That’s the one. Oh you are confused between two of them? You are not sure if your mind is playing tricks on you? Hmmm, don’t think too hard. Ok, let me help you.
Close your eyes - after you finish reading this paragraph- and when you close your eyes, take 3 deep breaths in and out. Then return to normal breathing. Place your hand on your heart. And say: “I love you.” The image or name of “the one” will pop up.
Now go do this. And when you are ready - come back to read the rest of this article.
You have an image or a name now. He or she is on your mind. You could be already reliving a moment you had with them. Something they said. The way they looked at you. Their voice. Their laugh. Their hands clasping yours. Their lips touching yours. Their arms around you. Laying in your lap. Gazing in each other’s eyes. Love❤️
This feeling of utter love. Just love. Nothing else. Sit with this feeling for a moment. Don’t rush it. Don’t escape it. If tears are flowing down your face, let it. If you feel certain sensations in your body, feel them. If your hands are sweaty, heart racing, jaws clenching or just a soft smile across your cheeks. Let them all happen.
What’s the point of this exercise- you wonder. Maybe even you don’t like me right about now for putting you through this. I accept if you feel this way. I just want you to experience what you have been running away from for as long as you have. I want you to be honest with yourself. I want you to know it’s okay. I want you to start feeling rather than suppressing. I want you to be alive again. Not walking around like a zombie, living on autopilot, thinking you are living. When you are just surviving and coping. Convincing yourself, the one is out there … you just have to be patient and keep looking. That’s what you probably learned or believed up until now.
You know what else you have been doing. Unconsciously you have been looking to replace that “one” you just held in your mind just now. The one your heart beats for. The LOVE you could never forget. The one that even though with time and space between you - still lives inside of you. Silently. Secretly.
Look at your choices and who you have been attracted to AFTER that one was gone from your life. Look closely. And don’t justify. No excuses allowed right now. We are living an honest vulnerable moment. Right here, you and I. I am living this moment with you. I’m not sitting next to you. But I’m with you as you are reading this line by line, feeling your feelings and sensing your sensations.
What’s common?
Yes I know they are different. In many ways. Just look closer. A little closer. A little more. Okay. Here. Right here. That thought you just had. Don’t push it away. That’s what you have been running away from. That’s your pattern. That’s what you are avoiding. Even if you think you healed. Even if you say: “but I moved on.” I was able to like another person. Even fall in love. I kissed them and it felt great. There was so much chemistry. Oh, the chemistry was off the charts. I enjoyed it. I loved it. I was happy. But then. Things fell apart. AGAIN!
Maybe I described to the T all your thoughts. Maybe there is more. And maybe you didn’t think any of this. That’s not the point. I’m not trying to prove I’m a mind- reader. I’m here to tell you - I know. I know how it feels. I know those thoughts. I lived them myself. Time and time again. That’s why I recognized at one point what was happening. I was stuck in the loop of replacing.
You could be now grieving the loss of a relationship that was a replacement to the replacement to the replacement of the “ONE”
That one where time seemed to stop when you were together. That one that you now admit - was the only one who saw right through you. That one who understood you. That one who seemed to magically cure your pain. The one who wiped your tears, stood by you, looked right into your eyes and said: “I see you”. And no .. it’s not “I love you.”
The magic is not in saying words to describe our emotions influenced by our thoughts. “I love you” is the most misunderstood statement in our language. Everyone says it. Many don’t truly know what it means. Truly means.
That one didn’t have to say the words. He or she said them with their eyes. With their actions. With their thoughtfulness. With their presence.
Why things ended then if it was so great and perfect?
The answer is: nothing is ever perfect. A relationship lasts as long as it’s necessary for you to learn your lesson. A person stays in your life for as long as it serves you. When they are gone. You are not being punished. It’s not your fault. And it’s not their fault. It’s not because of the reason you both decided to end things. It had nothing to do with surface causes. It’s much deeper than that.
Something I can’t get into here, in this article, because it’s that deep. Just know this. You didn’t lose them. You are connected to them forever. You were meant to meet them when you did. And it was meant for both of you to separate for a higher purpose than you can think.
Hard to accept. I know. I battled this myself for a looooong time. Now I’m at peace with it. I no longer chase a mirage. I no longer need a replacement. I no longer need anyone period. But that’s just me.
You may be in a phase in your life where you want a companion. Build a family. (Hopefully it’s what YOU want not what it’s expected of you or just following the “norm”) that’s another topic for another day.
I leave you with this:
Ask yourself why do you even want to be in a relationship?
What do you need to get out of it?
Write a list of those things - next to it write how can you give yourself those things if there is no one in your life right now or if you are in a relationship with someone that hasn’t been able to fulfill those things.
Once you write this list - ask yourself again
Why do I want to be in this relationship? Or why do I want someone in my life?
If you have to do this exercise more than once. Do that. The answer is usually staring us right in the face. We just don’t see it. Too afraid to see it sometimes. Too simple that we have to complicate it. Or we see it but prefer to deny it. It’s easier to pretend it doesn’t exist than to confront it.
Know this - if you stayed to read this article all the way from the beginning, you are ready. What are you ready for - you ask?
You are ready to heal
Heal a little deeper
Heal to be lighter
Heal at a time when you are wiser
If this article helped you process some feelings, have some clarity or at least poked you a little to continue your self-reflection .. then I fulfilled my purpose.
If you are confused or feeling overwhelmed or feeling any discomfort .. this is an invitation to go deeper and heal the burden you have been carrying. The one you keep ignoring. Is it time to release it? Is it time to start over? Is it time to begin a brand new start? Is it time to break the cycle of replacement?
If you can do this work alone - keep doing it.
If you rather assistance with someone to guide you along the way - reach out. I’m here to serve and be that guide on your journey of healing. I meet you where you are. I take you as far as you are willing to go.
Schedule a call and let’s talk
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