The Hidden Message In My Wedding Vows: vows revealed
Just as every love story begins, it has an end. Most probably that’s what I was thinking while writing my wedding vows a week before the BIG DAY. The day I entered an experience I shall never forget. Little did I know what I was getting myself into. Yet, there were hints that the storm was about to wreak havoc.
I knew the man I was about to start a new life with had a few major ‘challenges’, let’s call them. In an attempt not to use harsh and accusatory language. Yet, I somehow believed he was redeemable. Well, I trusted in his therapist’s opinion about his case. Probably that was the biggest mistake I made. Partially an error in judgement, and partially lack of understanding about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder.) With a little of trauma bonding, confusion, weakness, miscalculation, fear and a whole lot of self-sacrificing.
That last one got you, right?! I know. It won’t make sense to you until you know the full story. Until you understand the history and the background of my upbringing and the complicated family dynamics I was part of. Only then, things might make sense. Heck, I’m still having revelations years after events took place. I’m getting those aha moments, like: “oh so that’s why I did that … that’s what I was thinking … oh I had no idea I was so caught up in these emotions … damn if I only opened my eyes …” And more thoughts of the sort.
Bringing it back to my wedding vows that I just found on my phone while cleaning up my notes. I keep getting notifications that my phone storage is full. So here I am deleting and copying out to make space. Perhaps this is no coincidence. Just as the many moments I encounter where one thing leads to the next. Hence this article, right here. It’s a direct result of being led and guided.
As I read my wedding vows, it came back flooding like a rush of waves. Hitting me in the face. Splash. My heart, for a few seconds was beating a little faster. It’s the memory of that moment. I remembered so clearly standing in my white dress in a luscious green scenery, holding this little card with my two hands, reading it out loud.
I’m uttering my wedding vows to my soon to be husband. My family and friends are watching. His side of his family and friends are also watching. And they are all listening to me attentively. But did anyone understand the hidden message in my vows? Did anyone notice anything strange? Or was it all too overwhelming with the setting and all that not one person questioned what I had actually said. Or maybe they did notice but I never got to hear about it. Who knows and frankly, who cares?!
I knew what I was saying. I wrote it. I felt it. It was revealing all and conveying nothing. Reading it now after years passed, I sense a tone of mystery. A hidden message between the lines. It was not romantic. It was not touching in the way a wedding vow would, emotionally. It was touching, just the same, for its sincerity and authenticity.
Here I was, a woman standing on stage, tall, confident, articulating my intention for this union while proclaiming the continuity of my independent, empowered self. I never paid attention to this while writing it or after editing or rehearsing it. Definitely, not as I was reading it. Those minutes of me being on the alter are nothing but a fog. I was nervous as hell. I even had a moment before stepping out of the four walls that held me safe before I was released like a dove into the wild.
I read my words and I am in awe in how I lived up to every word I proclaimed. I was manifesting the ending without knowing it. I predicted I would be the empowering woman I am today. In just a few sentences, I read it out loud and it all manifested.
Never did I imagine, I would write about this one day. Yet, here I am. I feel called to. Reading those vows moved me. It has nothing to do with a timing of some sort. It wasn’t. It was simply, yet another moment, to the depth and extension of my healing.
The words I uttered, offer solace that I wasn’t totally hypnotized by this man. I was still alert. I was seeing more red flags. The wedding planning was one of the worst experiences I had with him in our relationship thus far. I was at the end of my patience and understanding with his temper tantrums and attempts to control every little detail. Although, he would have a different story to tell.
Of course. What would you expect from a narcissist?
Oh how I wish to be a fly on his wall as he reads this. If he ever does. Just had to digress for a second.
His abusive language and behaviour was only with me. No one would see it. Naturally, no one would believe it. He was an angel with everyone else. The best. He was battling some real demons during the wedding planning. And his mask slipped more than once for me to see.
The question that might be weighing on your mind as you are reading this probably is: “why didn’t you call off the wedding?”
A very logical question. One I beat myself up for many times. Until I had to stop doing this to myself. I didn’t. That’s the bottom line. Did I want to? Absolutely. Did I try? I did. Was I supported? No. And I will leave it at that.
Many factors play a role in this situation that you cannot have a clear answer. The one clear thing is that I allowed myself to go through one of the most painful experiences of my life. And I don’t regret it one bit. It is the reason for who I am today. It is the backbone of my business. It is the catalyst I needed to begin a journey of healing my unhealed traumas.
I am the best version of me today because I didn’t stop that wedding.
Strange. I know. Some of you reading this may not fully comprehend this declaration. Like I said, you had to know the whole story behind it. And even then, you may pass judgement towards my actions. And that’s your choice. And it is your perception. You are entitled to it. I won’t defend my actions. There is nothing to defend.
Right here, in this article, I share one of the most vulnerable moments in my life because if you are someone who went through this, reading this, know … YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I FEEL YOU.
There is nothing wrong with your actions or decisions. Even if they were destructive. Even if they led you on a path that caused suffering and turmoil. It was part of your journey. You didn’t know what you didn’t know. You haven’t healed what you are healing now. And you are who you are today as a result of the roads you travelled. I am here sharing this with YOU. Because I know all too well, the criticism, judgments and opinions of everyone who thinks they know best. Let them talk. Let them judge. Let them criticize. They don’t know any better. Most importantly, you do what you need to do for you. Do the inner work. Heal. Rise.
I did. So can YOU!!
I leave you with my vows as they were read on that fateful day. The day when my life changed forever.
*Disclaimer: the name used below is a fictitious name - not my EX’s name
“Every story has a beginning, ours had more than one. Everyone says, their story is unique, it’s true. No two couples are the same. No love story either.
Our love story, maybe a story for others not living it, for us, it’s our reality.
I stand here today before God, our family and friends and before you Draco as I vow to take you as my husband.
I promise you today and every day, to continue being the woman you fell in love with. I promise to be real just as my vows are. I promise not to make promises I can’t keep. I promise to love you, respect you, appreciate you and stand by you in your storms.
I promise to be true to myself along this journey I am starting with you. I promise to give it all I’ve got. My love for you, my faith in you, my trust in you, is all I have got. I vow to give this to you freely and willingly.
Draco, from the day you entered my life, you have played a role I never truly understood. As I look back on our history, nothing makes sense. And I don’t need it to. All I know is that we are here in this moment, starting a new chapter - together.”
